Tonight I re-lived a moment I had a while ago… déjà vu!
But this time it was different… divinely different.
The previous time the wooden chest was in our room, in front of our window. I was sitting on it, crossed-legs, 38ish weeks pregnant with Esti and I was crying, I was fighting with God, I was confused and I was scared. The wooden chest was my little “let go space” where I could just let go of my emotions. She was about to be born and we were ready to say goodbye at the same time. No baby room prepared, no clothes in a cupboard, no car seat ready to take to hospital, because we knew we had almost no chance of bringing her home after birth.
Tonight – after putting up the new curtains in baby Reuben’s room, Tertius took Anika to bed for her bedtime story. I stepped back from the curtains to take a look (to make sure everything is perfect) and without thinking about it I sat down to take in the moment. I sat down on the same wooden chest that used to be in our room, crossed-legs, 38ish weeks pregnant with Reuben, and I was crying – but not sad tears as the previous time, this time it was happy tears! I re-lived the “sitting on our wooden chest” feeling, this time in a room prepared specially for him, with his clothes washed and ironed, with the car seat ready, expecting to bring him home after birth. I can’t explain the feeling of comfort, relief, trust and grace that came over me. This time I’m thanking and trusting God instead of fighting with Him!
What a great feeling to be back on the chest… back on the wall!
At church this year we had the saying “Stay on the wall”, and this time around, we will!